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In Pursuit of Peace and Happiness

People think I’m strong.. being able to face this crisis… But what they don’t know is that I’m scared shit… im just good at hiding it for the sake of my kids.

They say I’m strong because I’m able to endure this, all these years… But I’m so scared everyday.. every night.. I’m scared I wont be able to protect myself and the kids… I’m scared I might give up … I’m scared I wont have enough strength and courage… I’m scared I won’t have enough faith …

Everyone is telling me to prepare myself for the worse.. But how does one do that? How can one prepare for something like that or prepare for the unknown? I get scared when I’m told this because it only reiterates the fact that I can never be prepared for something bad …

Maybe what I need to hear instead is … I am here for you.. I will support you … whatever you need… these are what I need to hear from my loved ones and from my friends…

I appreciate some of my friends who really go out of their way to help by taking time to talk to him .. meet him.. . Meet with me.. listen to me.. offer help… somehow I’m lucky to have them in my life ..

Somehow I don’t feel alone with them… But when I go home… in my bed.. I hear his footsteps in the hallway.. i hear his doors open and close… it is when I’ve never felt more alone in my life …

Abuse. The scary thing about this is that the abuser is not aware that he is abusive. He will not admit that he is abusive. He will always believe in his mind that he is correct and that he is never wrong.

This is why i want to always seek GOOD around me. I want to witness good, capture it and share it. Because my eyes and my heart has been veiled from goodness for so long. All i have seen and made to believe all these years are just the bad.. until one day, 2 years ago, I’ve finally said “enough”. But as expected, because i decided to finally stand my ground, from the abusive person’s eyes, I committed the sin, I’ve renounced my vows.

Now I’m finally moving out (2 years after my decision, the delay mostly triggered by fear)… now I am anticipating the worse when i finally tell him of my plans. When he would say that i cant bring my 2 girls with me, or throw accusations of being a bad mother, bad parenting… These are the things that I’m supposed to prepare my mind for. How does one prepare for that? Where can one get courage to face that?

As a mother, as a woman, I need to show my 2 girls that a woman can be strong.. to be resilient in the face of adversity.. to never give up no matter how difficult it may seem. One may be scared, but must go on to fight for one’s right, to find peace and happiness.

I hope to be able to stand my ground and finish this through.. if only for the sake of my girls.


Profile photo of Maibelou Maibelou

Maibelou Maibelou

Open your eyes , live the life, experience pain; but experience love as well; see the ugly; but more than anything, feel the goodness too.

3 Comments

Create Space · May 1, 2018 at 4:47 pm

Your life is difficult but you are indeed very strong. Everyday you are growing and moving towards a life of peace! You are showing your two daughters that you respect yourself when you no longer allow somebody to abuse you – a valuable message so they can in the future value themselves! I wish you happiness and send you many Irish blessings.

    Maibelou Maibelou

    Maibelou Maibelou · May 2, 2018 at 10:25 am

    Thank you for your vote of confidence and the blessings sending my way ! These encouragements give me the boost to continue

      Create Space · May 2, 2018 at 8:44 pm

      Delighted to hear that…remember you are stronger than you think!

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