My Private Demon
“Don’t dwell on the past, it’s going to weigh you down, it’s going to left you shattered”
I have a very profound definition of hate. Hate is always a part of my personality, after all, I hate myself, I am not really in peace with my inner character.
I am haunted by a dark past, by a monster who betrayed me, a sin who wouldn’t leave me alone. There’s still a little bit of hate left in me, I guess it’s never gonna go away, it’s a part of my life that I can’t just throw away. I realised that writing about my past is a great way to heal from it, to set myself free, to break away from the hurt. But no matter how hard I try to run from it, it always seem to find a way to catch up with me, and when it does, the hate that is kept hidden under the deepest portion of my heart slowly breaks and turns into detrimental chaos. That hate combined with regret and suppressed resentment makes me want to hurt people, to avenge my broken heart, to say foul things, to curse, to manipulate, to cause affliction and distress.
I am a bad person. My heart is made up of absolute loathing. I am incapable of forgiveness. My heart could never, ever forgive. As long as there is a small amount of repugnance scratching within me, I could never, ever find peace.