Vulnerability

I would’ve never in a million years
Imagined the impact
That a brief light rail encounter
Would’ve had on my life

I would have never seen myself
Writing poetry to the woman I love
And now could barely picture
Going a day
Without hearing your voice
Or caressing your skin

My mistakes have been plenty
And my reasons behind them
Futile
I have tread harshly on your ground
Because you gave off the image
That you were harder than you truly were
A defense mechanism
Carefully crafted
After you realized how cold the world
Truly is

I crash landed and turned your world around
I challenged your perceptions
And in turn, you rearranged my existence
You tore my pride in half and alongside karma
Brought out the feelings I had so cleverly avoided
All of these years

It was never easy for a person like myself to feel
Since a boy, I was told that it was not my business to do so
And so when you came and ripped me
From where I felt so secure
And flung me across the horizon
I was faced with every insecurity
Every fear
Every emotion that was starved

The end result was an ego frenzied
Trying to grasp at anything it could control
To hide the turmoil that change brought about
I tried to remove you from my mind
By entertaining a shadow
That in my heart has no name or face

In the past, I used loyalty as collateral
If you displeased me or mistreated me
My loyalty may or may not be here
When you get back
I tried that with you
And it backfired completely

It wasn’t that it didn’t work to hurt you
It did that very well
The weapon as efficient as ever
The problem was
I didn’t realize that by hurting you
I was ultimately hurting myself

How could that be overlooked you ask?
I am not used to caring
I am not used to loving
I am used to watching out for myself
And then along you come
And suddenly I worry about
Whether you ate
Whether you slept
Whether or not you’re gonna like
The shirt I am wearing
Whether or not you’re gonna be happy
Where I take you

Who are you?
And what have you done to me
Give me back the cold carcass I was before
For at least in that carcass I knew
That cold would be cold
And time would go on

Give me back my pride that many a heart
Broke
For at least with that arrogance
I was untouchable by the misfortunes
That follows after cupid’s arrow
Hit its mark

Give me back my darkness
For now the light that you have awoken in me
Is so bright that it keeps me up
And in my dreams
It does not allow for me to be lucid
For how can I do more of what I wish to do
If my waking reality is a dream when I’m next to you

Give me back my heart
For I would much rather it be dead inside me
Than to receive the wings you give it
And have to look you in the eyes
To ask you how I land

But all of these requests are lies
I don’t want that comfort
I don’t want the cold
I don’t want the dark
And I don’t want my heart

What I desire
Is a vision I see engrained
You in a floral print dress
In a field of flowers
Running towards me and away from life
Our very own refuge
You jump into my hands
And we embrace for hours

We look up at the stars
As they admire our persistence
For although the entire universe conspired
To have us meet
It had no plans of letting this happen easily
We had much to learn
And still are humble pupils

I only ask that you understand me
A little better at the end of this
This is not an excuse
I know I can be an idiot
I know you are hurt and angry
And every atom of your body wishes
Only to exact its sweet revenge
But I challenge you, darling
To put the bloodied knife down
We have spilled enough blood in our lives
We need not go down this way
Meet me in the field of flowers
Let me remind you of the light we have
And show you how it lights the way


Mateo Gomez

Prose for the woes Words to the wise Make sure you judge yourself Before you come and look in my eyes pinealrants.wordpress.com Instagram: @AscensionRadio

2 Comments

Von Smith · March 9, 2018 at 11:41 am

Wow! So prosaic, intense, hopeful and loving.

fullcircle · April 23, 2018 at 3:44 pm

❤️ I love this. It’s exactly what I’d love to hear from the man I love. ❤️

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