To all readers, this is my life testimony that I believe God wants me to share and testify. Some of you may not be a believer, but that is okay. But I hope from what I have written here, will be an inspiration to all of you.
First of all, before I start writing the content, I am truly sorry for taking a long time to write my next episode of my life journey. I have been searching for a good content for my journal, but nothing came up. Recently, God has given me an interesting chapter of my life that I have decided to repent and follow His Way, for the rest of my life.
It all began in the year 2017. The year 2017 was one of the craziest year that I have experienced in my whole life. Up to the extreme, and also down to the extreme. Of course, I have good friends around me, everyone was just happy-go-lucky type of people. Back in Miri, Christmas was freaking awesome. I went back to my village and really had a good time there. New Year’s Eve was amazing, where everyone was just shouting at each other, wishing “Happy New Year” and we ended the year with worship and prayers. Until the day my heart was broken into pieces, and that happened at the beginning of the year of 2018, not long after New Year.
My heart was shattered. That was the first time I was experiencing the most painful heartbreak that I have ever experienced in my life. It was unexplainable. Just because of this one person that I knew in college, has broken my heart into pieces. Yes, you may think that, “Oh, it is just a heartbreak. Don’t be immature, Kim. You don’t have to kill yourself for this. You are a child of God. Man, you gotta be strong about it.”
First of all, take back your words. I am still a human, so I am allowed to feel how heart broken I am. Be in my position and tell me how you feel after that. It is not easy okay? Stop being so conservative, and try to understand someone else’s situation. So, moving on, I thought I handled it well. I prayed, and prayed and prayed but nothing happened. The feeling stayed for a month plus.
Within that one month of trying-to-recover phase, man, I went crazy. One moment I felt better, and the next second I felt horrible. I cried to sleep every single night, to the extent where I got scared whenever I fell asleep. I tried to stay awake as long as I could until dawn to get rid of nightmares, but I ended up falling asleep. The nightmares went on and on every single night for weeks. Imagine that. I did pray, but nothing happened. Till then, I told God, “Please, I had enough. Take away my life right now.” And He did. Well, not literally where He took away my life and I died. No. I became even more and more rebel without me knowing it. Since then, I started to feel lonely, empty, worthless… I was not happy. I was depressed. All. The. Time. I stopped praying to God, and that was when I turned away from Him. I was partially trusting God because I thought that He was not there for me. He did not take away my sorrows. He did not do anything! Well, that is what was in my head that time.
I went on with my rebellious life that I have been going through since then, just because I wanted to forget the pain inside of me. I went to the church for the sake of going. I wore the cross on my neck for the sake of being called a Christian in my IC and for the sake of growing up in a Christian family. I stopped serving in ministry since then as well. I avoided every single practice, because I was so heart broken not only with the person who broke my heart, but also with God. It’s like, God owed me things that I deserved to have but He did not want to give me. I was thinking to myself, “I pray to You every single day and night. I need the healing from You but nothing happens. Why, God, why?” Questions like that.
Instead of reaching out to The God, I reached out to the people around me as much as I could. I am thankful that I have good friends around me, who talked to me about my heartbreak but there was something that didn’t hit my spot. I couldn’t find the answer to my question. It didn’t suit me well. I was still heartbroken and hurt! One day, I didn’t know what has gotten me into this situation, where I reached out to one of my brother in Christ, Vinod (Mirians, I bet you guys know him), for a spiritual advice. Well, that time, he didn’t really talk to me about what I had got myself into but instead, he prayed to God about what kind of book that suits my situation. And he gave me this book by Craig Groeschel, Altar Ego. That time I was thinking, “oh well, its just a book for me to feel better for a moment. After reading that book, I’ll be back to my normal life.”
Then, I started reading the book. The journey I had with the book was so surreal and unexpectable. Here is one of the sentences that he wrote in the book, I put them together, “You are not yet who you are supposed to be. To learn who I am, I’ve had to learn who I am not. You are not what others think about you. You are not your past. You are who God says you are.” Wow. At the moment, I felt like God was speaking directly straight in front of my face. I was having goosebumps all over me, and that was when Holy Spirit started to knock my heart and asked me to wake up from my dead soul. Since then, I read the book bit by bit and I caught up with it. The more I read, the more I began to understand why God didn’t answer my prayers when I had my devastated days. It was because I didn’t fully trust God that He will provide me a better one than the one I had back then. I was still holding on unto it and doubting to let it go. I was afraid to take that leap of faith to let it go because I scared that I would feel even more painful in my heart and then nothing better comes in after that as a return. Also, I began to understand why God ‘took’ away my life and happiness because He wanted me to realize that the only way to get my life back is through God Himself because He provides. Like the verses below:-
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 4:19)
And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. (Heb. 11:6)
God wants us to trust Him, FULLY. Not partially, not ‘aiya, abit abit also trust mah’. No, but MUST BELIEVE. Meaning, believe and trust Him fully. Yes or No. That’s it. Nothing in between. So since then, my life has been getting better day by day after I repented. But doesn’t mean I have no struggles coming in my way. It’s just that I’m not going through all my bad situations alone, but instead, God is with me. As a Christian, we know that the more we obey God, the more struggles we will face. That is the time where you will know whether you are still faithful towards God or instead, just turn away from Him like I did. Devil will always try harder to fish the ones who love God deeply. He hates it when people love God more than him.
As you can see, no matter how stubborn and how sinful us human being is, He will always there to accept you the way you are and forgive you when you admit your sins. Jesus died on the cross not because for the sake of dying you know, but because of all of us sinful people. We are supposed to be punished on the cross, but Jesus took that position for us because He loves us. And that is why His love is the greatest compares to human’s love, because His love is unconditional.
Up to today, I let God into my life every single day and night. Whenever I go whatever I do, I ask God to join me. Even as I’m writing this blog right now, I can feel God is telling me what to write and not. Well, thank You God for the wisdom. I just want to serve Him for the rest of my life.
I would love to tell you more about the book but you will feel the impact from God if you read it on your own. Get yourself a copy.
Before I end my blog, ask yourself a few questions:-
- If you are having hard time right now, are you ready to leave it all unto God and let Him handle it by trusting Him fully? Even if you love a person so much, or you want to travel to that place so much, or you want to get the pair of shoes you have been dreaming of but God says no to all of these, are you willing to let all these go to receive the better one from God?
- Does it worth your time by ignoring His love for you? Take a while to think back all the sins that you have done. The worst ones especially. If you tell your parents, friends, whoever, do you think they will see you the same as how they did before you admitted your wrongdoings when God can purify you and make you the better version out of yourself?
- Are you ready for the upcoming Easter Day? Will it be just another day by just attending Good Friday service and Easter Celebration and that’s it?
I hope whoever is reading this will be blessed and I pray that whoever I am speaking to right now through this blog, God will always be with you. Broaden the land of your hearts to let God plants the seed of wisdom, courage and faith to bear the fruit of blessings today, tomorrow and all the days of your lives. There, you have received it.
God bless you.
P.S. To the one who has hurt me and caused the extreme heart break, it is okay. I forgive you. But thanks for teaching me for not trusting anyone easily again as how I did to you. Lesson learnt.