This Is How It Feels

Keeping up with your daily life while having unexpected episodes of anxiety attack feels like taking the life out of you.

One moment you are frisky – you are so positive and your hopes are high. Then snap and everything went black. You just tend to overthink, you can’t stay calm. You have these intangible fears then you want to cry. Until moments later, you just find yourself nibbling at things and crying for unexplained reasons.

Yes. It is not easy. It was never easy. And it will never be easy.

No sweet-talking could make your anxiety stop. No comforting could make you feel okay. You can’t help yourself but to become fearful of things incapable of hurting you. You are always picturing the worst-case scenarios. Then you breakdown. You fall on your knees. You cover your mouth with your hands to keep the sound of you crying. You don’t want anyone to know about it. You don’t want to hurt anyone. So you keep to yourself the hurt that’s been tearing you apart.

Months later, the anxiety attacks are getting worse so are your fears. You can’t sleep well at night. You just want to cry all the time. You keep asking yourself why. You think you are not worth it; that you are not enough. You think you’re being too sensitive and yes, you over analyze every single thing that you hear. This is not what you wanted. You feel so hurt, then so sad, then so angry, until you feel nothing. You’re dead inside. You don’t want to admit that these things are the transition to depression. You think that’s normal, that eventually what you feel will wear off. Then you just want to die.

Ending your life seems to be the very best thing to do. To stop feeling the agony. To stop hurting anyone around you. To be at peace – forever. But is that really the answer? Is that the only answer to end all of these? All of these worldly cruelty that you are suffering?

Days could be harder. Fears could grow bigger. But you must be stronger. Find someone to talk to – someone who will listen to you, understand you, and support you. Someone who won’t judge you and someone who won’t insist that it’s all in your head. Find someone who could calm your nerves whenever you feel so wrecked and hopeless.

Most of all, I wanted to remind you that you are not alone. Together, we can do this.

Mae M.

Mae is a bibliophile, loves pizza (with pineapples), a dog lover (but can't have one because of allergic reactions), and is also a troublemaker.


Unbranded · March 5, 2018 at 11:33 pm

Funny how quickly and unexpected the triggers happen. How long it lasts is random too

    Mae M. · March 6, 2018 at 12:43 pm

    Exactly! One moment you’re okay then snap and everything is a mess. But I hope that in times like that, there is someone who is there for you. We can do this!

      Unbranded · March 7, 2018 at 3:24 am

      Actually no one. But it works for me to step out as soon as I’m able and take a break. Still I easily fall back into it for a few days, with the slightest trigger. But I’ve been pretty well being self reliant, in general.

        Mae M. · March 7, 2018 at 9:04 am

        Also, I’ve been self-reliant ever since but you know, reality hit me so hard and made me realize that I am already in that point of my life where I need to have someone to talk to. And yes, taking breaks is very essential.

Noor_87Khan · March 6, 2018 at 12:20 am

Sometimes we feel like life is falling apart like sand no matter how tightly we hold on to it and its a blessing to get someone as a support in such dark times

    Mae M. · March 6, 2018 at 12:45 pm

    Yes, indeed. And I hope you already found that someone who is willing to hold you through the good times but most especially, the bad.

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