Grief is a funny thing. I don’t think I’ve really experienced it before. I’ve never felt so fragile and shaky. Just talking to people increases my anxiety and makes me shake. Also, I’ve never slept so much in the last 2 weeks. I’m so tired.
I had a really hard weekend full of tears and feeling broken. Then yesterday I felt so much better, almost like my baby had never died. Then today, I’m back to my tears again. We were holding our baby for the first time exactly two weeks ago today and at this time.
I still can’t believe he’s gone and I’m now feeling angry. My initial feelings met with sympathy from others is anger, I guess it’s a normal feeling when you’re grieving. Today was going to be an awful day but was saved because James has been poorly, so he’s needed his mummy. I hate it when he’s poorly but I love it when he needs his mummy.
I’m also so frightened of anything happening to him. I’d be tipped over the edge if it did, which is mostly the reason, why we’ve booked a holiday on an island, hoping that it’ll be a safer place and checking on him more frequently now whilst he has a bug.
A few days ago, after picking James up from school, he started asking questions about his baby brother. He wanted to know why he died. I had to explain it was because he was too poorly and the doctors couldn’t make him better. He then wants to know if I made children better. I’ve always told him mummy is a nurse and makes children better, so I had to explain that I help the doctors to make children better and what a nurse’s job is. I felt awful like maybe he thinks I should have made his baby brother better. It was a tough day for me. The first day on my own. I wanted some time to myself but it still wasn’t easy. I barely eat and spend most of the day crying, then with James asking questions like that it was so much harder but almost soothing. I needed the time to myself and his young innocence is endearing.
I miss my baby, the baby who I never really knew.