Rise like a phoenix

Can a boy and a girl be best friends? This is the question that has been asked by too many people around. I have also thought about the same.

I was there for him when he needed, all the time. We enjoyed our days. Non-stop giggling with all the jokes he would throw. I ignored all the friends around me.

“Don’t be his friend, you are going to be hurt”.

“He is using you”.

“Wait until he is done with you”.

“Don’t come back crying to us”.

“You are doing his works, but he is enjoying”.

“When will you ever learn”?

I didn’t care for all those who kept giving me these pieces of advice. I did everything in my power to make him smile, as I never wanted him to be sad. Days were all going well. Years passed with no interruption. It was a hidden friendship. Nobody knew we were close friends.

Why didn’t anyone know about it?

I was not with him during his parties, trips, and hang outs. I didn’t realize I had lost friends whom I could spend my weekends with. All I was told is “You are too good and I don’t want you to get involved in anything”. Wow, he is so protective of me, I thought. Therefore, I stopped going out, hanging out with friends. I stopped calling them.

I knew only one person in this entire world whom I never wanted to lose.

Finally, we met one day and he said, “Now is the time for you to socialize”. I was 26 years old and who do you expect me to socialize with when everyone would treat me so low and naïve. Okay, if now is the time let me enjoy it. I said, people, he is my best friend.

“Really, where is he”?

“How funny! He hasn’t even mentioned you.”

“I told you so”.

“You never learn”.

“He used you just to get his work done”.

“Where were you these many years”?

Now my mind was inconsistent. So, does he really treat me that way? I am just a puppet for him to play! Was I his servant doing all works he asked me to?

Slowly, I could connect the dots since I started to become more observant.

Every situation led me to conclude what people were saying is true.

How could he even do this to me? I was hurt. These many years and all I did was being a slave without even me realizing. Wake up and move on was all I could say to myself. How stupid was I not to analyze the things?

I decided I would avoid him and everything would be fine. I stopped answering the calls, replying to messages and started to blame him for everything.

He disappeared.

However, one day he comes back saying, “I missed you and you are really a special friend of mine whom I don’t want to lose”.

I was so addicted to his morning calls, messages, jokes, teasing, bickering and gossiping. I didn’t want to lose such a good friend. I must not listen to anyone.

“Engaged”, he said.

Now entire trust went crashing.

He didn’t even bother to tell me. I thought I would be the first person to know about it. I wanted to be in best friend’s life journey, together. Nevertheless, I was not even invited.

“Everything was so sudden, I could not tell anyone”, he said.

I believed.

After months, I received a message on WhatsApp “Getting married. Please make it on the day”, which is two months away. Instead, he could have called me to inform. Is our friendship that bad that he had to text me?

Seriously, a message is what takes you to invite your own so-called “Special” friend. Why would I want to be in a place where I am not even welcomed? I made a firm decision not to go.

2 Months later

I need to go. He was my best friend after all. I promised myself, this would be the last and I will have nothing to do with him. I attended the wedding and I could hardly breathe around. Felt uncomfortable.

I didn’t even have anyone to talk to.

I didn’t even know where to go.

I was lost. Maybe, coming here was a mistake I made. Finally, I found some old friends and went to them. However, I was not welcomed. They have been friends for ages and how do you expect to get along. They ignored me the whole time. I, like a lost puppy, walked behind them. I was so close to crying and I left that place before I could create a mess.

I avoided him for months and it turned to years.

One fine day “I need some information about how to get ID done” is a message I receive.

Seriously, after a year you ask me to give some information without even bothering to ask how am I doing?

I ignored.

I buried myself with work, painting, and writing. I achieved my dreams during those months of being lonely.

I had no friends to talk to.

I had no friends to message.

I had no one.

People now recognized me as an artist and author.

“Didn’t know, you would not tell me about the book and not even invite me to the exhibition”, I received another message.

I ignored.

“Just because you became an author, doesn’t mean you show attitude and ego”, I received after few days.

Now I lost it.

I poured down all my frustration and in the end; all I received was “Take Care”.

Words went flying between both of us for months and now all I know is “BLOCKED”.

How funny does that sound?

Blocking a special friend only because I am an author and an artist.

Should I still be a slave to him?

Even after all those mistakes he made and blamed it all on me. Should I accept him back?

Should I forgive him?

They say, “Friendship which is more than 7 years old is more like family”. However, my friendship is broken, which cannot be mended anytime soon.

I didn’t want to fight and I have let it go.

What is the purpose of living anymore?

No friends!

No family!

I decided to punish myself for all the mistakes. I burnt my body for every single mistake. Deeper and deeper, I pushed to leave a scar. I would hurt myself where nobody can see it. Nevertheless, the pain that the burn gave was nothing compared to the pain that I have felt for these many years. I hit myself more and cried until my last tear dried. I always thought about different ways to hurt myself but, I never succeeded.

What more can I do for this pain to go away?

Death?

Yes, it will permanently erase my problems.

Are you not leaving behind the people who are the purpose of your living? New friends, a family that always supported whom I ignored to be in a dream world. I cannot do this to them. One person cannot let me drown and I cannot waste a precious life of mine for one unworthy person.

Rise like a phoenix!

Every mistake is a learning step and I will definitely rise to give this life a meaning.

Should I forgive and move on?

I could never be a best friend with a boy!!!


Poornima Keshavaiah

I have been chasing a dream to be an artist but something just pulled me into IT. But that did not stop me from what I wanted to be. So here I am today as Artist and Author.

5 Comments

Queen Maya Goddess of Light · February 23, 2018 at 1:48 pm

Wow. That was great. Funny I was just writing about mistakes. Blessings to you and your journey. Glad you’re still alive and doing things for you, that fulfill you. Cheers to learning from mistakes.

TimeHasNoMeaning · February 25, 2018 at 5:33 am

Some people are meant to come into you life , as I’m sure he was, but they aren’t meant to stay and it hurts, some are only meant to be for a season and he was probably one of those. I had a best friend and she was like a sister to me but after our relationship had sever it’s purse in our loves to provide us with friendship company and growth, we started to grow apart and then because we didn’t want it to end the stress of it caused us to bicker and it ended badly. I never dreamed it would. It took 2 years to contact her and we did finally end on a good note, but on that call back I realized as painful as it was, it was over … and though it was sad I knew if continued our once positive past relationship would only be negative in the future. She was a season I’ll cherish as I grew and learned a lot about myself so it’s always hard to let go, by focus on what good you have built inside yourself and not the negative and it helps you let go and move forward. I’m so sorry. I don’t think people mean to hurt others, but when I happens forgiving and moving on is hard but you’ll learn that you are a better stronger person for it in the long run and will know better what you want and need in people and also how you yourself cane become better.
I hope that helps. Because I understand the feeling.
God bless!

    Poornima Keshavaiah · February 27, 2018 at 9:25 am

    We need to learn everything happens in our life is temporary sometimes. I have learnt to forgive and forget. Things are fine again 🙂
    Wish everything goes fine at your end 🙂

TimeHasNoMeaning · February 25, 2018 at 5:34 am

Sorry for typos I’m terrible about that

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