I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I try leaving you behind. I try getting you out of my heart and mind. I try moving forward and running away from your arms. You’ve let me go a long time ago but I feel stuck, rooted and cemented. I can’t run back into your arms. I feel incapable of running away.
I fight myself everyday, lie about not being in love with you, put on a brave and happy face. I behave like I have it all together. I’m broken on the inside. Crumbling away like a sand castle hit by a wave. I put the pieces back together each day, just to have them crumbled again the next.
I fight the delusion that you’ll come back. That it’ll all work out. I see no hope, no reason, no rhyme. But there’s still faith, there’s belief that it might. How can love be such a blessing and a curse at the same time? How can you be so aware but delusional, all together? How can you be strong but broken all at once?
They say it’s a waiting game. But it’s not a game I know how to play. I try and try and try. But I fail each day. It’s enough of a fight, staying alive anyway.
One day, I hope there’ll be clarity. I pray for an escape from this limbo. For a place of certainty, of happiness, of love, of surety.
I continue looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. A few small steps ahead, a big leap back and then inch ahead again. One day at a time. One breath at a time.