I guess I’ll love myself!
This is something that is really tough to write about. For the privacy of the other person I am leaving names out and am just going to solely focus on how I am feeling.
I was really struggling. I could see myself spiraling down to my old ways but I didn’t want to stop it. Then I met him. He was the kindest man I had ever met. He was sweet and thoughtful and I have never trusted someone more. He was my distraction from the struggle I was facing in my brain. My escape. But I would soon learn, that would be detrimental to me. I was the happiest I had been in years, or so I thought. I was in denial with how much I was struggling with my eating disorder, because I had this great loving guy around. It was the ultimate distraction. He was aware of my struggles, or so I thought. A couple incidents happened where I did not act like myself. I knew this was my disorders taking over me and making me become a person I was not. I am ashamed of the things I do sometimes in my episodes but I know that I can work on it and get better. Especially when I finally was able to admit I have a problem again and wanted to seek help. I even checked myself into the hospital to seek that immediate help that I so badly needed. I thought he would be by my side, helping me become the person I know I can be, but I was sadly mistaken. I received a text the first day I was in the hospital telling me that he couldn’t do this anymore and was breaking up with me. I was numb. The one person I trusted more than myself, who I loved, left me when I needed him the most. Yes, I understand I have baggage, and a lot of it. But I know I love with my whole heart and I will try every single day to be a better person. Yet here I was again, my Mental Illness getting in the way of another relationship, causing me to lose the person I loved and thought would be by my side forever. I don’t think it really hit me until after I was out of the hospital how much this was going to hurt.
The thing with me is, that a large part of my anxieties come from the fear of being abandoned. With a loss of someone I saw as my brother at such a young age, I was so scared that more people I loved were going to leave me. Which is also why I tend to get so clingy in relationships if I sense even the slightest shift, because I’m terrified that I am going to be left alone. Yet in doing so, 99 percent of the time I end up pushing the other person away. Oh! mental Illness, why must you do this to me? Ruin all of my relationships! This situation has just reinforced my fears of being abandoned, and really had just left me sad.
How am I going to ever find someone who is going to love me for my baggage and all; who is going to try to understand what goes on in my brain, who is going to be patient and supportive and not abandon me? Maybe that is too much to ask for. Maybe I’m just meant to be alone forever.
I will always care and respect him and I wish him nothing but the best in the future. I will miss his amazing loving family, who I saw as a second to my own. I will not hate him for the choice he made in wanting to leave me, as I completely understand how difficult it might be dealing with me.
I will be sad for a little while longer, but then I will continue moving forward, because that is what I have to do for myself and my recovery. Maybe there is someone out there who is going to love ME for me. I guess we will just have to wait and see, and in the meantime I will love myself enough for two people. I didn’t think that I would be spending another Valentines Day/Birthday alone, but c’est la vie. It is life. It is just another day and I will get though it as I have the last 364 days and I will come out of it as a stronger person.
If you are like me this Valentine’s Day and spending it alone, let me be the one to say it. You ARE loved. You don’t need a boy/girl to tell you that. Love yourself this day EXTRA. Buy yourself something nice, treat yourself to flowers or coffee or chocolates. Be gentle and kind to yourself and practice self love this day. And if you can’t remember or do any of this yourself, send me a message and I will remind you how LOVED you really are. We both need to never forget that!