Indeed. I have escaped untimely death twice.
You read it right,
Some of you may have asked, what kind of death?
For some religious views death can be classified as Spiritual, Physical, and Second Death.
In medical terms, death occurs when all the biological functions that sustain a living organism have stopped. They classified it into two: Clinical Death and Biological Death.
Neither of them is the death I escaped.
There came a point in my life when I decided to end all my predicaments in life. Well, not just one point, but twice. You see, depression, anxiety, name it all.
I was wrecked. Big time. Hard-knock life hit me really hard.
I will not write a long autobiography but I will try to keep it as short and easy to read as possible. Yes, I will try my best. But don’t worry, it will be really interesting and worth reading.
I came from a wealthy family. I call it wealthy because we WERE happy. I WAS happy. My father used to be a Sailor Man or in our country we call it “Seaman”. He was always out sailing for our future, as they said. In return, we received tons of blessings. Yes we were blessed big time. This kind of life continued for the longest of time. I was happy with all the material things, but somehow, there was a hole in my heart.
My personality, as quoted and described by other people, is strong. Should I say, was? With the environment I lived in and with everything that happened in my life, I grew up as a strong woman.
In my own opinion, I was growing in a normal pace like everyone does. Except, I didn’t really care what other people would think of me. It would be more precise to say, that’s what I wanted to portray. In the end,
I became reserved. I became superficial. At some point, a person full of pretense.
Strong woman. Until my early twenties, being strong was what I am made of. Then, the sufferings began.
Due to some reasons, we reached rock bottom. Not just me, but my whole family experienced a devastating defeat. They would say life is like a wheel. I wouldn’t want to admit that but I guess, somehow, someway, it is! It could be!
This is what I call death.
When fate has nothing to do but to bombard you nothing but complication, we become defenseless. We lose ourselves in the process. At some point, we lose our sanity. We can’t think straight and we lose our grip. We begin questioning our self-worth, self-value and self-existent.
Death for me is when you lose your self value and begin to question everything around you. I experienced it twice. I killed myself hundreds of times in my mind. I drew a picture as to what the world would be if I wasn’t around. Then, I found myself worthless. I felt damn insignificant in the world we live in.
I started hearing things, my own voice, somebody’s voice, arguing whether to continue living or not. I started hearing things, my own voice, somebody’s voice, arguing whether to continue living or not. Worries gave me sleepless nights. Worries made my eyes bulged.
I was ugly, I was powerless, I was nothing but a woman who couldn’t do anything right.
Problems, anxiety, confusion, sorrow, longings, all pushed me at the end of the cliff. The strong person they once knew, just died.
An untimely death of oneself is indeed melancholic.
What To Do to Escape Untimely Death?
Doubting your self-worth, questioning your existence, and losing your sanity are indication that you are facing an untimely death – death of yourself. Like I said on my first post. Dealing with depression and anxiety is surely a long journey, but the good thing is, it it not impossible to achieve. And so, I would love to share how I am trying hard to overcome everything. Yes, I am still in the process, so let’s work it out together.
Acceptance. Having anxiety means dealing with unwanted circumstances in life: it could be things that you fear to happen the most, it could be situations you are dying to avoid, it could be frustration, longings and your worries in life. There are many things that could affect our mental and emotional stability: things that would let us question our sanity. If this occur, we can’t do anything but to accept it. Yes! I know how hard it is, I tried to outrun my problems many times. I ended up killing myself in my mind. I repeated the scenario many times just to outrun them. But in the end, it didn’t do any better. We need to have courage to face all of it. We need to accept that we are defeated by it, then make a come back. It’s not easy I know. But winning over is better than giving up without even trying.
Openness. Once you accepted the fact, you need to seek help. Do you have to go to a doctor? No! Do you have to announce to the world “Hey I’m, dying, please help me! I’m going crazy!” My answer is definitely no! You only need few people. Actually one person is enough! You need to find a person who is willing to give most of his time listening to your rants and your problems. You need someone who knows you more than anyone, and sometimes, more than you know yourself. You need someone who will not judge you, instead, you need someone who will balance your thoughts and give you choices. When you find that certain someone, all you have to do is let go. Open up your heart. Open up your mind, Ease your soul and never be afraid to reach out to that person every time suicidal thoughts occur. Don’t hesitate to ask for help.
Love Yourself. By the time you are having suicidal thoughts, it is damn sure that you
have lost your self-worth, or so, what you think. Then, the next step you have to do is to renew your mind. Renew that self-value you have once lost. Make time to appreciate yourself everyday. Find something good about yourself. Always compliment every little things. Do this religiously until you finally gain your confidence once again. Having a strong spirit will let you bear whatever fate throws at you.
Divert your Focus. Most of the people who happened to have suicidal thoughts got tempted because there’s nothing that could divert their attention. They didn’t have anything in mind but problems and worries. Nothing functions well. As for me, I locked myself in my room, feeling every ounce of problems and let the suicidal thoughts linger. It took me long enough to escape this mess. As soon as I realized that I have to divert my attention. I started to reminisce the things that used to give me motivation. I, once again, relive my interests and hobbies. I use them to divert my attention and I use them to express my frustrations. I write songs, I write stories, I sing and I watch movies. I literally do anything to keep myself away from those unhealthy suicidal thoughts. Now, I am writing this blog to share how I survive and escape this untimely death.
Renew Yourself. Do not re-invent yourself. Make a fresh start with your renewed mind. Never go back to the things that made you sad. Never go back to the things that caused you pain. At some point, we made mistakes in the past that might have derailed us positive future. Learn the lesson, never live in the shadow of the past. Instead, as you follow step one to four. Make this your last step towards a freed soul. Enjoy your present and welcome your bright future with your renewed self.
All the things I’ve said brought me into this recovering state. I am still in progress but I am glad to announce I am making one. That’s why I am sharing these things with you because I know there are more people like me who are suffering.
Do you have your own story? Let’s share each other’s burden to help one another.
This is my story! What’s yours?
Bankruptcy. Health Issues. Relationship Gap. Family Problem. Sanity.
In just a year or two, everything became a turning point of our lives. I can’t say and I won’t say we are not to blame or we are innocent. I won’t say that we are just a victim of fate. Yes, I admit, each and every one of us took part as to where we are right now.
Bankruptcy. We ended up with no savings at all. We are now in a verge of losing almost everything: land title, house, cars, appliances, bank accounts. Most of the things my father worked hard for disappeared in an instance.
I, on the other hand, instantly became a breadwinner. From being a princess, bratty, and easy-going daughter who knew nothing but to spend, my world was shaken up when all I could see in my hands were bills. In an instance, I had to pay the bills.
Still, I was happy to be able to help my parents during those times. Then, another predicament slapped my face. Because I was so naive and knew nothing of handling money, I ended up with tons of debts in my hands. I became confident that as long as I have work, I can provide money to them. I borrowed lots of money to suffice their needs and my needs. Being able to provide for the first time satisfied my ego. So I did everything I could to give it to them even though they didn’t know I, myself, was having problems at work. My salary decreased. My students disappeared for a moment. My debts per cut off was way larger than what I earned.
With all my might, I tried to fix everything I could, but that was the stupidest and dumbest thing I did. I borrowed from lenders with huge interests. I ended up being more broke than the first time. I borrowed from acquaintances, friends and almost everyone. Bit by bit, I lost them.
Health Issues. The same time we were experiencing financial crisis, my father’s health condition worsen. I always hear him crying at night which made my heart hurts a lot. I couldn’t do anything for him. I couldn’t bring him to the hospital because we are short of money. He didn’t want to go to the hospital, either. I don’t have any health card to support my father’s medical needs.
My health due to workaholic-ism, deteriorated. My father and I were the same. We love working long hours. It didn’t cross our mind that we are not superhuman at all. From 13-hour work for almost 2 years, my body became weak. My immune system weaken and I started being ill almost every month. Due to this, I realized that health is really important. I acknowledged this fact for the first time.
Relationship Gap. This left a big impact to my family and to myself. The family friends we once knew, disappeared. The people whom my family had helped turned their backs. The treatment became different and indifferent. That’s when I realized that everything changes because of money. My family, especially my parents reached out for their so-called friends, but in the end only few extended their arms to help. (Now, I am feeling blessed to have those few people.)
As for me, I secluded myself from the society. I isolated myself from my friends. The friends who I once knew became strangers. My relationship with my boyfriend was almost destroyed. Lots of relationship in my life were changed. I lost a friend. I gained an enemy. I became a hot topic in the office because I wasn’t able to pay debts. I was tagged as someone who escape debts. Is it true? Partly true, because I was beyond my limits: beyond my financial capabilities.
Family Problems. Among the problems I experienced, this is one thing that I didn’t want to experience ever. Because of financial problem, everything was at stake. My once jolly family became anything but happy. Our home is now filled with anything but laughter. It continued for so many months. A lot of hurtful words were said. Miscommunication and silence grew in our hearts. In result, we even questioned ourselves on how much do we know each other as family: how much do we trust each other.
We all experienced emotional problems. Until now, we are still working to mend our broken hearts.
Sanity. You have to be wary when suicidal thoughts arise. You will never know when it will hit you or if you are strong enough to abandon those thoughts. If not, then you will meet a tragic end.